Facebook Posts

Facebook Posts

1. I found a chat record from March 31 where I told you I loved you. We had argued about something really stupid, and hung up on each other, and then you sent me a chat message, and we talked it out. I stayed up almost all night that night talking to you.

2. I found an email exchange from you from 2006. I was -- what else? -- giving you feedback on an essay you wrote for your English 101 class. It's about C--- and a turtle. I had forgotten about that. I'm so grateful for our digital footprints right now.

3. There's a pigeon living on my stairs. I gave him bread and water because he has a broken wing, and he reminded me of you somehow. I wonder what you would think of being compared to a pigeon. He is one of Jehovah's creations, and he will be missed when he's gone, too, because God knows how many feathers he has. So it makes me think of all the hairs on your head. Miss you.

4. I don't even remember what it was that I was doing that was so important that I didn't have five minutes to see how you were doing the last time you called. Sorry I'm so self-absorbed, but the good news is, the next time we see each other, we'll both be perfect, so I won't be so self-absorbed, and you will forgive me for having been so.

5. Happiness is not something that is given to you, it is something you create. It is not dependent upon the world around you, it is cultivated within. It is not what you have, but what you make of things, it is not what you are, but what you choose to be. Life is challenging, and difficult, even sad at times. Pain is inevitable, but so is joy; it is simply a matter of recognizing the joy when it presents itself.... I wish you could have known this.

6. I guess this is how it's gonna be for a while. I had a good day, laughed and played a lot, and then I got home and started thinking about you, and I'm crying again. I can't believe you're gone. I miss you.

7. So. Foie gras is another thing to add to the list of things that I will never eat. I bet you wouldn't have eaten it, either. Miss your face.

8. Exactly two weeks and my first thought upon waking was, "Am I late?" I guess some things are returning to normal ahead of schedule.

9. All these clothes and you still wore the same three shirts all the time. Men.

10. My first thought upon waking is that you are gone, yet I somehow have to remind myself every few minutes, when the urge to call you strikes. This whole process is highly illogical.

11. I forgot for a second.

12. Back to work. Half of my brain is dedicated to thinking of you. It's a good thing I've been doing this for a long time.

13. Doing your laundry. Figures you'd still manage to find some way to make me clean for you. Jerk. ♥

14. 12 days. How many days do I get before I'm expected to post cheerful status updates again? I wasn't paying attention that day in Facebook Etiquette class.

15. Even though I know you are not here anymore, that you can't hear me when I talk to you, that you are asleep in death until it's time for all those dead to come out of their resting places, I still can't bring myself to talk about you in past tense, or in third person. I will write you a book, and when I see you again, you can see how I loved you.

16. I just found a bunch of videos from our trip to the Grand Canyon with you in them. You aren't in any of them for very long, but I bet I could clip together something awesome. And there's one you made yourself, which is my favorite, even if I look horrible in it.

17. Teenagers flirting in the drive through instead of attending to our order, making us late to an appointment that I really don't want to be at, anyway. I can't muster the requisite irritation, nor can I begrudge them that youthful inattentiveness. Enjoy, kids. But please do bring me my burrito soon.

18. I feel like the calendar should have started over last Wednesday; my mind is already cataloging every event as Before and Since.

19. There is a you-shaped hole in the universe. Did you see it when you left? I keep trying to fill it with memories, but they are made of mist, and I am having trouble catching them in my hands.

20. 5 am and I haven't been to sleep yet. I guess I didn't use all of my nervous energy at my brother's place; I finished up there and then came right home and cleaned/sorted some more. This must be a bizarre side-effect of my grieving process; I hate to clean, or sort, or anything that seems even faintly domestic. Sigh...now it's time to sleep. More likely, lay in my bed and stare at his face behind my eyelids.

21. This conversation is so surreal. I am talking about what my brother wants or doesn't want, and every five seconds I have to remind myself that I can't call him and ask him. It's like spinning in some strange orbit with a black hole in the middle of the track.

The First Post

Please remember to tell your loved ones how much you appreciate them every day. Even if you're angry, don't go to bed without reminding them that they matter to you. If you can't be bothered to show them you care, some day you will lose the chance. Today I lost my chance to tell my brother I love him, and there are no words to explain how that feels.