Today I feel so very tired. So tired that for a fleeting moment I was tempted again, like I have not been in many years, by that long, dreamless sleep which used to seem like a solution to this bone-weary tiredness. Not for long, and nothing that should raise any alarm bells, but for a disquieting moment I wondered about laying down next to you in that dreamless slumber that shields you from every callous hardship of the day. I wondered if your long rest will feel restful when you finally wake to contemplate it.
Of course it was only a micro-moment. A random thought flitting unbidden across my meandering mental landscape, filling an empty synapse for a second as the rest of my grey matter busied itself with a herculean list of items to be checked off before the move. I purged it as soon as I felt it land, banished it to the dark recesses where it belongs (until I find some way to be rid of it completely).
I miss you acutely right now.
I was in Best Buy talking to the sales boy (he was at least twenty so I suppose he is a man, but to me he's a boy) about Linux vs Mac vs PC and I said at one point, "My brother knows more about Linux than I do," and he of course asked me which version you use. And I realized the verb tenses were wrong and that I had forgotten that your computer is in a box in my closet. So I said something clumsy, like, "Well he used to run Ubuntu, I think," to which, of course, he responded, "He doesn't anymore?" And I said, "No." And then there was an awkward pause, because I wasn't going to tell a total stranger in Best Buy that my brother died suddenly a few months ago but I forgot for a minute and brought him up in conversation because I still haven't fully trained my reflexes to remember his absence. So I opted for social awkwardness instead, even though I am, as a rule, not given to social awkwardness.
I love you. I'm sorry I never had time for you. I miss you.
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