These are words I'm grappling with today.
I have a dresser and a bed that I no longer need. I wish to donate them to a person who needs them. I placed an ad on craigslist offering them free to a person in need, and within fifteen minutes I had 30 responses. I started to think that maybe some of the people were just trolling craigslist for free stuff to resell for profit, so I emailed all of the responders asking politely for them to confirm that they were, in fact, in need, and not just looking for profit. I phrased the question respectfully (I thought) and clarified that I did not intend to offend, embarrass, or pry, I just wanted to know that my furniture was going to someone in actual need.
Several people responded with detailed stories about why they truly needed the items, a few admitted that they really weren't in dire need but just liked the look of the dresser (it's a rather good piece of furniture), and several simply did not respond to my email. All of those emails (or lack thereof) were expected.
What I did not expect were angry, insulting, obscenity-laced responses from two different men. One threatened to have my craigslist account flagged for misrepresentation, to which I responded that I had not misrepresented anything as the items are still free (though they will obviously not be going to him). The other actually responded to my request with his story and only sent me the hate-filled response when I emailed everyone to let them know the dresser was no longer available; he called me retarded, an idiot, and told me if he were me he would shoot himself, along with other choice statements that I don't care to repeat.
So here is where the grappling comes in: The responses were disrespectful. I believe the disrespect was fueled by wounded pride. I think the gross lack of respect indicates a lack of value for other people. But dignity is where I keep sticking.
Dignity can be intrinsic or assigned; one can carry oneself with dignity (intrinsic), one can be treated with dignity (assigned). One can be deserving of dignity (intrinsic), one can act in a dignified manner (assigned). Intrinsic dignity is supported by value and garners respect, and is almost the opposite of pride.
But what about assigned dignity? That's where I keep getting stuck. Was it wrong of me to ask for people to expose their need in order to have it met? I believe humility is important, I believe pride comes before a fall. But I also believe it is wrong to take away a person's dignity to inflate your own self-satisfaction. "When making gifts of mercy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing." I think that is in part to emphasize our own need for humility even when doing a good work, but also because drawing attention to good you do for others makes a spectacle of them, potentially robbing them of dignity.
So was I robbing those men of their dignity in asking for an explanation? Would it have been better to simply state clearly in the ad that I did not want to give it to a reseller and rely on the honor system? Am I any better off now that several people exposed their vulnerability to me and I could choose only two, not really knowing whether their stories are actually true, effectively relying on the honor system after all? What was I really trying to accomplish? Was I truly trying to find the person who needed the most help, or was I just slyly letting my left hand know what my right was doing?
I imagine calling you to ask your opinion:
You side with those men in spirit. Of course you think they were wrong for being so hateful, but you point out that I attached strings to my offer, thus forcing them to give up some of their dignity in exchange for meeting a need.
I argue that it was less harm than allowing this opportunity -- quality furniture for free -- to be taken from someone in need by someone in greed. You counter that I can't fix the world's problems and sometimes I'm blind to the way my attempts are received.
I counter that dignity is not something that can be taken away, it is something you give up. You argue that it's easy for someone with an extra bed to feel like dignity is just another commodity.
I get indignant; it's not my fault that people are poor, and it's not like I am being self-serving, here. I just want to ensure that this one time, where I have control, things turn out in the fairest way I can make them. You tell me the problem is that I want to be in control, and I'm dressing it up with good intentions.
I say the problem with the world is that everyone is so entitled, that my resources are my own and I have the right to do what I want with them, but they don't have the right to be abusive toward me because I don't choose to enrich them with my things. You ask me whether regarding the furniture as not good enough for my own bedroom but good enough to make someone grovel for it says anything about my ego.
I tell you you're being mean and I hang up on you. I spend an hour ranting on the phone to the friend who will just tell me that I'm right without question. I listen to her agree with me and all I hear is your voice, and I realize I really prefer it when people make me examine myself. I decide you had some valid points, resolve to be more sensitive in the future, but I never call you back to tell you so; I don't want you to know how much a part of my conscience you are.
That's the paradox; you always kept me grounded, but it's you that's making me feel like I'm floating away.
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