I know we have different belief systems, but I also know my brother would want me to at least try to comfort you. These are the things that comfort me; hopefully something in here can be of some comfort to you.
1. Where are you?
1b. Are you where dad is, even if you never met him?
2. In what 'form' do you exist now? I don't even want to think that you don't exist in any form anymore.
3. Do you still have feelings and memories of your life? Or do we forget everything after we're gone?
4. Can you see me? Can you hear me when I'm talking to your photograph?
1-4. I believe that he is sleeping in God's memory, that he is at total peace and unaware of our pain and sadness, nor feeling any of his own. Ecclesiastes 3:19, 20 and 9:5-10 mean to me that he is not in any pain or aware of what is happening now, but John 5:28, 29 and Revelation 21:3,4 mean to me that, soon, I will see him again, and he will be happy, and all of this pain will be behind us. I believe that, because he is asleep (unconscious), he has no memories of anything right now, but when he wakes up from "the memorial tomb" he will be who he is, with all of his memories of his loved ones intact. Even though I don't think he can hear me, I talk to his picture and write to him on my blog because it helps me to feel like I am directing that love at him, and I believe I will see him again and when I do I will tell him how I missed him and how I talked to him all the time like he was never gone.
5. How long until I see you again?
I don't know how long in hours or days, but I know that to God one day is as a thousand years and a thousand years is as one day, and it is because he is eternal and not bound by the limits of time. I believe that eventually we will all be freed from a temporary existence, and then even a thousand years will be to us as simple as a day, and the memory of the time we spend now missing him will be so small and insignificant that we may recall it only as a joke, like remembering being five and feeling like waiting thirty minutes for dinner was an unbearable torture. It seems like forever now, but someday not too far out, it will happen, and then the memory of this anxious waiting will fade. I keep looking ahead to that.
6. Why did you have to go? If everything happens for a reason, what's
the reason for this nightmare? I don't think any reason will ever be
good enough for taking away your life.
Ecclesiastes 9:11 means to me that some things are senseless, sometimes there is no reason or connection to the bigger plan, and we are all subject to unforeseen occurrences, such as my brother's death. I think the belief that all things happen for a reason come from a desire not to feel like it's all pointless, and that's why it is important to me that God has the power to undo any of those unforeseen occurrence, including a shocking and tragic departure like my brother's. I agree that no reason will ever be good enough, so it is comforting to me to think that it was not part of God's plan to take my brother away from me so painfully, it is just part of being human that he succumbed to death, and God's plan is to bring him back to me. (John 5:28 and Revelation 21:4)
7. Does S. know you're dead? Does she care? Will she get to see you
earlier than me? Am I crazy to feel jealous of her being older than me?
Then again you never know..You weren't supposed to die so young either.
Yes, S. knows. I don't know if she cares, but I can't imagine she would not care; they cared about each other once. But she was his past, and you were his present, and I think his very first thought upon waking will be, "Where is my I--?!?!?!" I think because of the verse I talked about above, it's pointless to think about age and death, because obviously the two are often not related, and anything can happen. Furthermore, as I said, you are the one he will be looking for when he is able to, not her.
8. Did you really relapse once or was it a habit?
8b. If once why that specific day? It wasn't any different than the
others. Why did you choose to go back to that when in 2 days you were
supposed to go stay with your gran for a while?
This question drives me crazy, too. We can't know, and it sucks. Will knowing make it any easier to take? I don't know; knowing his cause of death didn't make it any easier, so I don't know that knowing his frame of mind would, either. I think in the end, when it's all done and we finally get reunited, we will all forget to ask about this. For now, I hope you don't let it make you too crazy.
9. Did you realise what's about to happen when it happened? What were
your last thoughts? If you knew this is the end, did it cross your mind
that you're about to die while I'm waiting for your reply? My god,
honey, I hope you didn't realize a thing.
This question (did he know what was happening?) makes me crazy, too. I like to think he had no chance to realize, that it was so quick that he had no idea. I think about the moments before falling asleep; my exact last thought is never really clear to me, just the general theme on my mind. So his last thoughts were about you, about his feelings for you (based on what we know from the investigation). I don't believe he is dreaming, but I think if he were, it would be a sweet one of you.
10. Do you miss me like I miss you?
I don't think there should be any doubt in your mind that he would miss you as much as you miss him. As I said, I don't believe he is conscious of what is happening, which is comforting to me, but I do think his very first thought upon returning to life will be of you.
In the days after his death, I read When Someone You Love Dies from beginning to end several times; it helped a lot. We all have our own understandings of things and I am in no way trying to intrude upon yours, I just derived a lot of comfort from this and I wanted to share it with you if you were interested. Whatever else, just know I am here for you if you need anything. <3
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